she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
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