Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
