Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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