ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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