god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
