I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
