We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
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