my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Randomize
