I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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