I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
