She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
