I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
