new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Also, beer. Big fan.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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