I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
