The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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