I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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