the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
