She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
