just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
