Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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