your parents love me but you hate me
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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