Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
