please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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