My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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