What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
