Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
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