Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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