who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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