It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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