last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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