My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
