I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
