My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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