you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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