The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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