sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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