I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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