I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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