You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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