God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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