jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
