Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
