naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
