Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
Randomize
