I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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