You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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