those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
