someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
