I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
