Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
