in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
