apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Randomize
