Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Randomize
