I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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