I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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