It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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