no, he came in my armpit
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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