saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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