How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize